Her nineteenth birthday night!

“Are you sure You have packed everything properly?” Her mom asked as she closed the bag completely.

“Yes Mom, Chill! Don’t worry.” She said giving her mom a side hug and a kiss on forehead.

Taking her bag down the house, she pulled her suitcase towards the main door. She turned around at the voice of her brother calling her name.

Before she could utter a word their mom interrupted,”Don’t stop her while she is on the doorway.” 

Both of the siblings sighed at the old myth. Sana, for she didn’t believed in this stuff and her brother, for he forgot about these myths.

“Sana listen don’t..” Her mom began to speak something but sana continued. 

“I will take complete care of myself. I will call you as soon as I reach. I will call you daily. I will be safe. I will eat on time. I won’t eat unhygienic food. And? Am I missing anything else now?” She asked.

“No. That’s enough. I just wanted to say, why don’t you go after some days? ” Her mom asked with teary eyes.

“Mammah.” She hugged her tightly. “I need to go. I will be fine. Please?” Sana pleaded. 

“Don’t worry about me and take care of yourself and have meds on time, Okay?” She said backing off.

“Ok. Now go or you will miss the flight.” Her mom smiled this time, a genuine one.

“Bye.” She whispered and walked away towards the lift, Without looking behind, because she knew if she will, again everything will get her emotional. 
As, for the first time in 19years she was going away from them. Each step, she took, took her towards her new journey of life. 
Walking out of the building, she spotted his volvo near the stop. 

“You! Here?” She asked surprisingly as he got out of the car and approached. 

“Why? Were you expecting someone else?” He asked, unsure of his tone, bitter one or a mischief one.

“Uhh, No. I wasn’t expecting anyone.” She stated.

He took her bags and kept it in the trunk of his car and soon they drove off to the airport. The car ride was silent. Sana tried to start a conversation but it went in vain as his mind was set again, to not get attached to her in anyway. Times have changed so much and even their bond. No matter what nothing could be there same again. But something or the other always pulled them back together, cus of their rare connection. But now, the ways will be parted again, unsure about getting back again. 

“Okay So..” Sana trailed off being short of words. The situation seemed awkward to her. It was always easy to talk to him, but this time simple things seemed to be complicated.

“Go. You are getting late.” He said curtly. Obviously he didn’t want her to leave, but he didn’t have any right to stop her.

She stared at him, his impoliteness was unbelievable. As, she knew, she wasn’t that much late. There was still time for her flight and she expected her bestfriend to not leave her this way. She was going far away and she wanted their last meeting to not be so atrocious. She opened the door to get out of the car unwillingly. As, when he saw she was about to leave, he stopped her by catching her wrist in a tight grip. She halted back shocked.

“Stay. Few minutes.” He whispered and entwined their hands. His in hers. Hers in his. Just like olden times. Their hands fit each other like a jigsaw puzzle. 

She closed the door and waited for him to say something, which she knew could be something important. But, she only wished, his words or the conversation they would have should not hurt her or anyone. As, she wasn’t ready for more emotional drama at this time. That was the main reason for her changed attitude. She wasn’t ready to get hurt herself. And, for that she was ready to let go of anything which could be hurtful. 

“I need some promises from you before you leave.” He said breaking the ice of silence.

“Promises?” The word tasted bitter to her lips some times. As she wasn’t still completely over her past. She was still stuck between her past and present, And, that was the main reason behind this step towards her new future.

“Yes, you gotta promise me somethings before leaving.” This time his voice was much like a command and she knew he was serious so she just nodded. 

“But, what if i break them?” She asked horribly scared.

“Shut up tubelight. You won’t, I know that.” He assured and she trusted him and his words more than anything.

“Promise me to love yourself more than anyone else.” His words shocked her completely. She thought he would take promises from her for himself. Indeed, his selflessness had no limits.

“Come on, Promise me fast there are other promises too.” He said taking out his little finger in front so that she takes it and gives him a promise. Slowly, her little finger made its way and fitted with his finger perfectly. Her other hand travelled automatically to her stomach as she whispered,”I promise.”

“Promise me you will now work on yourself more than you have worked on any one else.” He spoke and she gave him another promise.

“Promise me you won’t let yourself be played by anyone and get over that lame stupid asshole completely.” She could definitely understand the anger in his voice.

“And most important and the last one, Promise me, When you will return back, you will be the old you. Promise me, you will find yourself again.” He asked and she promised.

He took back his little finger slowly and she felt incomplete. She never understood their rare connection. She couldn’t name it with love, it was a nameless bond. But a perfect one. 

“That’s it?” She asked unsure, as she thought he would atleast take one promise for himself. But, they were all about her.

“Yes. Take care of yourself please. And…” He stopped before completing his sentence.” And if possible, Leave a text if I cross your mind anytime.”

“I will.” She smiled sadly. How could she tell him? Every now and then he would now cross her mind. Not just the promises but she can’t tell anyone the real reason of her leaving everything behind. It was not about her broken heart and past. It was about him, she didn’t want to hurt him more. But, she didn’t know she was hurting him either way.

He opened the car door for her to come out and took out her baga from the trunk and pulling it, he walked towards her.

“Take care of yourself, please.” He said and she nodded, pulling her bag she took two steps backwards and turned around, ready to walk away. But, he stopped her by holding her wrist.

“I don’t want you to go away but I don’t have any right to stop you.” He finally spoke out the words he was holding in his heart. Hearing his words she couldn’t take it anymore, turning around she hugged him tightly . He was surprised at first but then embraced her into his arms protectively. The time stood for them.

“I will miss you.” The words left her mouth uncontrollably but she covered it by saying, “All.” She didn’t want him to know what was going on in her heart.

They stayed like that for a good moment but they knew even if they want, they couldn’t stay like that for forever.

She broke the hug and took some steps back and without saying anything she walked away. As she reached at the entrance of airport and turned around, he wasn’t there near his car. Her curious brown eyes searched for him rapidly and caught him taking a selfie with a little baby girl. A tear rolled down her eye and her hand clutched her stomach.

“I am sorry Anas. I am sorry to both of you. But I will make sure, this baby knows that his dad is the best dad in the whole world, no matter if he meets you or not.” She whispered and he turned around towards entrance. He spotted her there standing but before he could come and ask anything. She smiled and walked away. This time forever. 

Three lives which were destined together parted completely. That guy who played her so well is going to come across one day. Where, all he would need would be only her pure love. She knew the strongness of her love will pull him and she will cross his mind again and again. But he lost her. He lost true love. And he knew, liars and betrayers have always been unforgivable for her.

While, she left. Anas drove away from airport as soon as he saw her flight took off. Unaware, she didn’t leave alone, she took a little part of him away with her. While, He regretted as he was the only one who blamed himself for her broken heart. He thought, if one year before he wouldn’t have left her side when he realised his feelings. She wouldn’t have gotten so much hurt by someone else. She wouldn’t have gone away from them. Unaware, that he was the only reason she got her life back. If she was smiling, happy and stronger than before than it was only because of him. Because he loved her truly he freed her in a way she could fly. As he knew, if she was meant to be, she will return again, just like fate united them again one year later. And they lived the best moments in a small period of time. Which will make them smile even though they would be miles apart.

And as the clock strike twelve and she was finally nineteen. Switching her phone off she removed her sim and throwed it in trash. For the first time in her life, she was going to spend her special day away from them all and only with herself. If she wasn’t happy, she wasn’t sad too. She felt content. Because she knew in this journey of her new life. Something amazing was on its way.

Just imagine. If, She loved the wrong one beyond ethics. How much she would love the right one, words couldn’t describe. 

Where Ever she is, Happy Birthday to Her and Her new life.

Happy Birthday, My Guardian Angel💌

Dear Mamma,

It was that time, when I entered in this world. Definitely scared enough but was relying on you for everything fearlessly, because affection with you had been since nine months. 

I was one day old and you loved me Mom.
I always pretended to have a weak memory mom, as you were my reminder for everything. I don’t remember my first step, but I surely remember the feeling of my first walk and your hold mom.

I was one year old and you loved me Mom.

I was too smart and talkative according to my age and adored by everyone, only because of your efforts mom.

I was two and you loved me Mom. 

It was my first year in school and nobody thought I would come up with the highest rank, but only you made me win. You were my first teacher that year, today you are and always will be.

I was three and you loved me Mom.

This was the time, I walked outside the house without informing and was trapped by strangers. Though you were not around, you felt my absence and searched me out. I have no idea what I would have without you, if I you wouldn’t have come looking for me that day.

I was four and you loved me Mom.

Then was the time, I was being completely spoiled by love, which made my siblings jealous but you used to shut them up at that time and you still do,”She is the youngest and cutest princess of mine.”

I was five and you loved me mom.

I still remember the day, I  was super sick but not ready for the injection, so I pushed that doctor away and ran out of the hospital crying. No one could handle me, but you came on time and engulfed me in deep conversations, so that I don’t feel even the slighest pain of needle.

I was six and you loved me mom.

While every other girl of my age was being daddy’s princess, I was mamma’s. I was capable of making dad revolve around my fingers but he was away and it was you who pampered me the most.

I was seven and you loved me mom.

I was brought home from school early but you caught my lie of faking a stomach ache in a second, “You would have told me if you wanted to skip school, why did you lie? Promise me, No matter what you won’t lie to me or anyone.” That was my first lesson of life which I always try to follow mom, but sometimes unintentionally, I broke my promise. I am sorry mamma. 

I was eight and you loved me Mom. 

This was for the first time I failed a simple test, but that failure hurt my ego of always winning and then crying I came to you like every other child would and you taught me, “There are going to be lots of falls in life, just remember whose daughter you are and fight strongly.” 

I was nine and you loved me mom. 

I was growing up hastily and slowly drifting away in my new world, my new friends but you never left my side or failed to make me come back on my way.

I was ten and you loved me mom. 

All my classmates were going on a picnic but I wasn’t allowed to go. Yet you risked everything and dared to take permission from dad for me.

I was eleven and you loved me Mom.

It was a new turn of life, we had to leave but being the stubborn self I am, I wasn’t ready to accept it, but you made me realise mom that sometimes we can live in people’s heart, not in their lives. Alas, I realized, you were all I needed.

I was twelve and you loved me Mom.

It was my birthday and a new trend of nightouts was getting common. Even though you wanted to wish me first and had planned alot, You let me do so without any restriction and that made my friends jealous of me as I had the best mamma. Yet I failed to realise that it was not only my day, it was our day, and missed the chance of spending my best day with my best lady, but for you my happiness and wishes always came first. 

I was thirteen and you loved me mom.
The day I came home so late, breaking all the rules and scaring the life out of you all. Still you were the only one to save me from dad’s anger and took his scoldings on yourself, “You are spoiling her by fulfilling her all wishes.” He shouted which still shivers my soul. Yet you managed to reply,”I trust my daughter completely.” You can trust me mom, I won’t let you down, was my silent whisper.

I was fourteen and you loved me Mom.  

As I came home from a party, That day I lost my trust from love and marriages. For the first time, I heard dad blame you for things you never do and later those sobs of yours broke me. I was more of a coward from inside and pretended I was asleep and tired enough to not notice. But I heard you mom, I heard everything, everything later on. I am just so sorry mom I was a reckless teenager who had no idea how to console the one she loved the most, no idea how to handle the situation of seeing your loved ones heart break. But you are the most beautiful soul mom, most beautiful one.

I was fifteen and I loved you mom just the way you loved me mom. 

Later, a day came and I faced the worst nightmare of life. I had to face alot and I thought you are not there but you were there. I was almost ready to go on the road of fire losing trust in love, friendship, life and everything but you brought me back to life with your faith and prayers. And that worst phase of life became easy just because you never left my side. 

I was sixteen and you loved me Mom.

Then there came a time when the day I never imagined came in my life. The first and last time, I raised my voice at you. I still regret it mom. Some days I wish you would have understood me and let me complete my most important dream. But surely your reason, your heart knew much better about me than myself. And still right now I don’t understand the reason but I believe it was better for me. But did you forgave me mom for that day, cause I am unable to forgive my own self for that huge mistake.

I was reckless seventeen and you loved me mom.

Death. I never really acknowledged it. It was always a word which had its own funny meaning in my dictionary and you always warned me to never take it as a joke. And yes! I lost him. My best buddy. My best friend. He was six feet down the ground and I would never believe it. Every night, nightmares haunted me. I was so near to lose myself in just a month but you saved me, like always. You stayed there and let my head be in your lap until I was asleep peacefully, though your body hurt bad because of the disease.

I was eighteen and I loved you mom. 

My life has always been a messy road, and I keep stumbling on it. Every person gives up on me easily. But you have always been my shield from every problem. Your lap is the only place where I feel home and Your arms are the only place where I feel secure. 

I will be turning nineteen soon and life has changed alot in this past year. I often find you asking me that why do I take life so seriously. I smartly lie to you and divert my eyes. It is something that scares me completely. And I have started understanding things more properly now. Now when I take things more responsibly and maturely, everyone’s view about me has changed and I can see you are proud of me. Back then too, I understood everything but it was fun to be careless and mischief, so that, I can get all of your attention to myself only.

Thankyou so much mamma for everything you do for me but sometimes when I feel completely lost and broken by the new surprises of life, I realize we have gotten so distant. You are tensed about me, I feel you but I have no idea how to console you or myself. I was always like this mom, never ready to share, but you had a power to read me without me telling anything or you would just ask me directly. Lately, I don’t know what had happened to my mamma, who used to understand what’s going on in my heart and mind by gazing into my eyes, is not realizing my worst pain, lifelessness and sleepless nights. 

I used to tell you mom, once I will be eighteen, I would be free to fly. Even if I am to fly, I would need my wings, and they are you mom, without you I can never fly. I need you Maa, I need you everytime, I need you in every stage of my life. 
Sometimes the demon inside me wins and I am not able to fight it alone, I am still dependent on you for everything. I know you love me the way you loved me always, doing injustice to my siblings, fighting with everyone for me, but why you can’t recover from everything and be strong for me? I hope one day, everything will be fine.

These are very few things amongst everything you have done for me. I cant thank you enough. Even if I try, I can’t. All I got to say is, I love you mom. I love you so much.

Yours truly,

A daughter who owes you everything, and needs you always, no matter what, in every stage of her life. 

Special month – August.

31st July, 8:00 P.m.,

Often, After a long messy day, I sit at the bench of my building, trying to take in some pure air in this polluted city. Same is this evening, though the people around don’t feel more of a peace but inside i feel peaceful after clearing all the mess of my soul in this chilled up weather.

“Didi, What’s the date today?” Asked the golden hair girled from the two cute young girls.

“Huh?” My face flushed up as i was always the weak one in matter of dates, i rarely checked them. I know this sounds stupid, but that’s what we all are, Weird in ourselves.

I took my phone from my lap and checked the date. For a moment, my mind got distracted for the next special month which was approaching and i totally forgot about it.

“31st July.” I replied and they ran away argueing something about dates among themselves.

August, the month holds alot of special dates together and also lots of memories in it. It’s not only the month i was born in, but also two most special people’s birthday month. And this year it is coming up with new excitement. Surely, it is going to leave new imprints. I wait impatiently for someone special’s new beginning towards life but right now, leaving this write up incomplete, i need to run. As 1st august is just few hours away and the very first day of this month holds the most special day of my life. Gotta go as I need to do some preparations and I am already super late.

Damn, Now I realize, he calls me with a right name, ‘Tubelight’🙈.

Traces of your soul will stay alive, Always and Forever.

She searches for him in every person she meets. 

The chilly wind rushed inside her room making it naturally cool. Yet, the sleeping beauty laying on the bed had got some drops of sweat on her forehead. The fury soft material of her favourite blanket was fisted in her fist hardly, while she crawled inside like a ball, deeper in the corner of the bed. As the torment grew more daunting, her eyes opened and she woke up horror-stuck.

Throwing her favourite blanket aside, she got out of the bed rapidly. Her breath was uneven after the rebellious nightmare, yet, her clueless eyes were searching for her cell phone. As she spotted her phone under the pillow, it was past two thirty midnight. Without a single thought, she dialled that number which she used to usually on such drastic visions.

“The customer you are trying to call is currently switched off. Please try again later or leave a voicemail.” For the nth time, the same computerised voice spoke from the other end.

“Where are you? I miss you so much.” Not just her voice but even her heart broke more by each word that left her lips.

In the past nineteen months, she had dialled the same number numerous times with clear awareness that it won’t be answered ever again. Yet, everytime when she loses something or someone close to her heart, everytime her soul will be lost like a wandering ghost, she would crave to listen to that voice which was harsh or silent to everyone but for her, it was always calming.

“You would not get to listen to my irritating voice after i die, until then you have to bear it, no matter what.” His voice still rings in her ears. Indeed, he was the only one who was loyal to his promises and words but sometimes people speak somethings unaware of the impact those words will leave on others or the person they are telling it to. Her lips twitched into a painful smile as more flow of tears attacked her cheeks. 

Everytime he said,”Someone will come along, who will fall in love with a mess you are besides the perfections and you will fall for his hidden perfect soul forgetting his outer messy self he pretends.” she never understood his words clearly and he would end up concluding,”Someone who is meant to be, will fall for your simplicity and beautiful soul so hard that you won’t find a way out of it ever.” 

“Yuck, show this cliché-ness on your girlfriend please, don’t even try it on me.” she would shut him up this way.

There was a time in her life she wanted to never know what love is so that she doesn’t become weak for anyone. Then there was a time, a year back from now, reading all those romantic novels she fell in love with the idea of love. And today, here,she sits in the wing of her home’s balcony, trying to erase love and its meaning from her life totally. Time has a mystery of its own, non understandable. When we want it to slow down, it will stead fast itself so much that we don’t realize when moments turned into memories. While, some days , in these lonely nights, when she wants to run out of time, every second takes its own hour to pass.

She often sits here wandering, wishing, thinking, that someday she will wake up to a morning where she will realise he was out there somewhere hiding in the world, playing hide and seek with her like those childhood times. While some days , she find herself asking, Was he really a part of my life? Or just an artistry character created in my mind, who vanished away in a span of a day. 

Distance always has a thing between her and the people she loves. They were always parted by distance, but it was measurable. And now, here she sits, gazing at the pitch black curtain draped over the sky in this dark night. Everytime she gazes up there, she feels like if she could reach the top of her building her hand will automatically reach that sky, moon and stars. Only to realize, though they seem near sometimes, they are far away, untouchable for her just like he and his soul.

Another rushy wave of air passed in, making the pages of her open diary shiver vigorously. They started creating cranky noises, may be to get her attention in this lonely night. She often walked down the road to that river side, where he promised her that he will be there for her forever and she promised she won’t forget or replace him ever. And standing here at the same place, she tries her best to throw this diary which holds alot of other things too for once and for all. But, her hands never give up on it and the words inside it the same way they never gave up on him. They hold on to it firmly, the same way they held on to him back then and now his memories.

The pages turned, making the irritating cranky noice harder and getting her attention back to them from him. She kept her hand on one of the page from turning and tossing any further. Her eyes landed at the word where her hand was kept. So beautifully his name was scripted on the page, alive. She slid her hand down the words written there.

“When the brown eyed girl will love, she will love so deeply, ready to give away everything in love”

Indeed, he was right.  

She searches for him in every person she meets. But fails miserably. Because we can find someone who is lost not someone who is dead. So, how will she find him, when he doesn’t even exist? She won’t find him ever again but traces of his soul will stay alive in her always and forever.
“Love leaves a scar no one can heal,

Death leaves a memory no one can steal.”

Wherever you are, I wish you peace. I search for you in every person, I meet. And eventually, someday, somewhere, i will find you back and we will meet again. Hopefully. 

New Walk Of Life.

Pain, It demands to be felt.

​The cool breeze rushed rapidly and sana’s eyes shivered painfully. The tears which were being blocked since long, slipped away from the corners of her eyes. She removed her hands from her jacket’s pockets and hugged herself tightly. Her heart wasn’t at peace, yet she was stronger than ever now. She was fooling it so smartly. As, she bowed her head down at the waves of water which left her toes leaving the sensation, she can’t help but think of that guy who has destroyed her life so beautifully. 

“Baby. Common, its getting darker here and the climate is so uneven. We must get going.” Anas said, as he hugged her from behind and kissed the side of her neck.

She startled at first but then settled in, as slowly she was getting familiar to these new gestures. She was not just in his arms, but he called her ‘Mine’. But she had no idea about what was her heart feeling. As if she was trying to totally shut her heart after that day, after the truth came out. She was always scared of lies more than truths. And after that guy’s truth was slapped on her face, her heart has turned out to be no less than a wanderer who searches for her soul in every place it could. But fails, miserably.

Everyone out there, who remind her that people get cheated and its normal, they are correct. Her logical mind was getting it. But her naive heart was no where near understanding it. Her heart was still stuck somewhere between the proofs, which showed his double faced reality and those deep night conversations where that guy seemed like a lost kid. So she decided to run from everything. To speed fast and move on to the new level of her life. She was just running away from the questions her heart was bombarding now and then. She was killing her pure soul which has loved that guy beyond ethics to forget him completely. With every next move she took towards her new life, she knew she was keeping behind that innocent soul she had in order to erase that guy, his each fake word and his thorny memories. But would she really be able to clean every trace of his or maybe she will lose herself completely.

Indeed, where ever he is now, she wishes him peace and happiness. She is so grateful to him for destroying her in a way no-one would have dared to. She hopes he is happy out there feeling blessed after destroying an innocent soul and breaking her trust from herself and her life, so perfectly. For transferring her to a person she loathes. She is lost, and he is the reason, and that’s her punishment for loving someone with pure intensions. For being loyal to the disloyal.

May be, one day this scars will heal and only stay there untouched and ignored. And hopefully, that guy will come across the time, where she will cross his mind again. Where he would regret taking her innocent soul and love for granted. Where he will regret playing with her heart. But it would be too late by then, yet he will surely regret everything he did and is still doing to play such games. He will return back when he will regret it to an extent he will feel suffocated. And then we’ll see, we’ll just see.

He broke her heart into millions of pieces but lately, he broke down himself when he realized every piece of her heart held only his name.

‘Don’t free me in a way that it holds me captive, rather hold me in a way that it frees me – Unknown.’

Sending Love❤

26, July 2017.

How could we get the one, whom we have fallen for? When someone out there is waiting for us without complaints. When we are reserved for the one, whose love is more powerful. When we are reserved for the one, whose prayers are stronger than ours. When we are reserved for the one, whose heart is purer than anyone’s. When we are reserved for the most deserved one. We can’t get that wrong person when someone out there prays for our well-being and happiness now and then. Just remember it is when you think everything is falling apart, it is actually going to fall on place. We may not understand the reasons and circumstances for a while but one day this misery gets solved itself and then just go with the flow. Don’t cage your heart in the past. Let your heart trust again, let it love again, let it fly in love again, and life will surely turn out to be full of happiness and the most beautiful journey. 

Where ever you are I send you love, peace and hope.

And yeah! Today, I complete one year with word press. Our first anniversary. A journey of life from ‘Their love’ to ‘Sending love’ seems perfect in itself:)

Good morning☺

P.S. The beautiful weather with my hot cappuccino and some mesmerising thoughts, make this crisp monsoon morning, worth living. 

Tick Tock Tick Tock!

24 July, 03:18 A.m.

This night is full of pretty cute little battles for me, Though my eyelids want to hug each other and sleep, I prefer to become a villain in their love story just to talk to that guy, who is 1152 miles away from me right now but his messages seem to be more important than anything after the long busy day❤ 

We don’t promise each other a forever, when our next moment is not guaranteed, but until you are here, and we are together, lets go with the flow and live in the moments.

Surely, someday, even in your absence you will become my reason to smile, just by looking back at these moments which will turn to the best memories.

~Yeah I feel beautiful as I wear the smile you gifted me:)