Tick Tock Tick Tock!

Midnights are full of pretty cute little battles for me, Though my eyelids want to hug eachother and sleep, I prefer to become a villain in their love story just to talk to that guy, who is 1152 miles away from me right now but his messages seem to be more important then anything after the long busy day❤ 

We don’t promise each other a forever, when our next moment is not guaranteed, but until you are here and we are together, lets go with the flow and live in the moments.

Surely, someday, even in your absence you will become my reason to smile, just by looking back at this moments which will turn to best memories.

~Yeah i feel beautiful as I wear the smile you gifted me:)

Letter to self.

Dear self,

What have you done to yourself? For once and all, you need to answer! You are no longer the person you were. I know you completely loathe being this person you have transfered yourself into, you are unable to take this thing in and want to move this constant pain you feel out of your life. One day, you keep finding reasons to hate that someone and end up loving that broken soul and his wounds more. Another day, you want to just hurt and hate your ownself for loving too much and yet not being enough. And then comes a day, you want to bring happiness in your own life and in that someone’s life, you have loved beyond limits. You want to kiss his wounds and heal his scars with your love when you haven’t yet learned to love your own scars. How could you decide to love someone else, above your own broken heart? You lay down each night on the cold floor, lifelessly, letting the tears stream down fiercely, feeling each and every ounce of pain from your bleeding heart. You have shut yourself off from all the fun of your life. Be it friends or family. You have turned to an alien between your own people. You are no longer the strong person you once were. The person who knew how to fight your own self yet never let others know anything. Be it any situation. But now, all you do is hurt your own self and the people around. You wanted to change that someone for good and make him happy, but while doing this did you forgot about your own heart? Which had never found peace. Did you really forgot? What kind of a person you can turn to when your demons win over your beautiful soul. You have a nerve to make them irritate and turn their life upside down. Why don’t you learn to stop feeling? Why do you just don’t shut yourself up and be the normal cool fake person you once were? Does being honest with your feelings gives you anything? Stop finding for happiness all around and learn to make this darkness a part of yourself. Learn the fact nothing will ever go right for a person like you. You are just a cold hearted person, who ends up being a pain in lifes of people you love. Accept the reality, you are a loser and you lose everything you touch. But you don’t realise this and in return choose to fall apart each and every day. Grow up please and accept the fact you are nothing more then a loser in the lifes of people you love, learn to accept your defeat and give up. Stop with this constant battle. You see, you have a lot more to work for, then this life only.

One step closer to end!

Me.

A letter I will never send! 

Dear Dad,

It’s father’s day today. All around the world, every child out there, especially daughters are making their daddys feel special by precious gift, cakes and etc. But me? I am out there here, sitting at the edge of our home’s balcony, staring at the deep moonless sky and missing those terrace talks, we once use to share. The difference between those days and today is that i am sitting alone here breathing the different air then those times, with my diary and pen. I often find you asking me what i do with this diary and pen, always and i have no answer but to flash a smile, at you. I know you disrelish my habit of writing and reading novels, completely, but i am addicted.

Coming back to today! I bet you must not know or remember about this special day of yours today. But i do! And that is the reason behind today’s meal having all of your favourite food only on dining. I know even though you didn’t complimented anything, i can see your eyes smile and the happiness you must have felt. But the only thing your daughter fails is at, unable of showing the love and care she haves but hides in her heart.

I know, i have never been a perfect daughter to you nor would i be able to become one. Actually, perfect is a far away thing, i can’t even be something around it. While today when i saw my other friends post their pictures with their fathers, i quite felt incomplete, i didn’t had any with you in past years. Even if i try my hardest, i am unable to create that bond again which we once shared, because of those unforgettable memories. But just because i fail to show, that doesn’t mean i love you less. May be i do love you less then mamma but that’s also clear that i love you more then any other person i love or i will ever love. 

I never told you or anyone about this may be. But i always find myself getting lost in those two most adored pictures of my childhood. There, where i was jumping out, crying uncontrollably in mamma’s lap while in another picture, when i was shifted to your lap, i was happy as ever, flashing the most cutest of smiles. Did we really shared such strongest bond. Yes we did shared!

The past year had it all. The scars i had recieved, can’t be quite healed. Between all this chaos all i ever want is to be understood and your precious time. We cannot quite figure it out without being able to talk to each other. I have been left to figure out a lot by myself. And instead of confronting my those demons, you cut me out. I need you when everything falls apart, when up seems down and right seems wrong. But alas, there is a wound between us and which seems can never be healed.

Unfortunately, I am actually different. I am my own. I am not an distension of you, your talent, your faith, your trust, your weaknesses. And you cannot see me as me, cannot accept me as me. And by doing that or more correct, by not doing that, we will never be able to see each other clearly. I will always struggle to be known as a person who i am, truly. A person with her own thoughts, beliefs and Values. Why don’t you ever think what it would be like to sit back with me at late night and just open up to me. You know i crave back to sit there and just listen or be heard. Without preparing yourself to argue against me, or judge me, or make me feel low, or may be just consider what it means for you and me. Do you ever stop to look at me, while i sit there alone in that dark balcony and think? ‘What does she sees when she looks in the dark sky with so much concentration?’ Or ‘Or why does she spends so much time with her books? What does they give her heart?’ Or even ‘What does her heart tells her? I hope it believes in me.’ Do you ever wonder who i am and why i am so?

Trust me, in every phase of my life. I struggle so much with this wound. Though i tried always by being the best. Best at school. Best at college. Best in front of your friends and relatives. The prettiest girl who competed in every contest, the skinniest, the smartest, and the best at all things. So you could be proud of me and see me as the me i exist. And then one day i realized, when i most needed something. I didn’t needed money. Nor did i needed white horse this time, because sooner or later i realized horses were unpredictable, especially the one who carried princes. I needed hug, love and support. I wanted my whole damn family to be as a happy picture in a real life too. I no longer wanted its brokenness to wound my life. 

All i ever wanted is you think i am still awesome, though when you know i am wrong. I don’t want you to keep worrying about me, my life every now and then. You are getting older and my wounds are getting healed over. Some, with a lot of scar tissue. And in a society we belong and me being a girl, may be we don’t have more time together. Wounds can be healed back too with a proper care though. I can buy us a band aid but you need to help me apply and heal, too. And then someday, may be or for sure i will make you proud too. I promise.

Yours,

Most imperfect daughter.

The girl with broken smile!

She was falling for him even without knowing. 

It never occurred to her that , he would someday mean so much to her.

It’s said, good things take time and he was that good thing that would make her smile.

Her smile, it’s one of those things you would always find, but with him she’s just amazingly fine.

It’s not how they met, and how he made her fall for him. But it’s about the instant connect she felt when they met.

One never gets to choose the life they live. But you get to choose the man of your dreams.

It’s hard to say, he’s the one. But at least she knows, he’s always there for her. That’s what she always wanted, someone who’s besides her, all the time.

Her smile, it showed how happy he made her feel. His voice, was heavy, full of love for her.

She was sad, cause she was leaving. He made it hard for her to leave.

Love, they say, is blind. But little do these birds know, that such love is rare to find.

~His words, Her feelings,

 Together they shine.

Pain, It demands to be felt!

She smiled, gazing at her best friend, the most beautiful bride, no she didn’t mean the outer beauty, it was something about the inner beauty too. The radiance that glowed on her face when she looked at herself in the mirror and she blushed lovingly. It was the beauty that naturally came when one was in love and happy. 

She can’t help herself from the lingering thought of him. Once when he had told her she was driving him crazy and he would want to marry her and love to have a wife like her, she too had felt an emmotion akin to the bride she was staring at right now. Unfortunately, for her, that moment had died even before it could fully come to life.

“Common stop blushing, thinking about all that special moments you are going to have tonight.” The bride’s sister winked at her best friend, who was instead freaking out with nervousness.

“Shut up!” Aish snapped nervously, heaving a sigh.

“Common aish, I have seen you all this days, dreaming, blushing and what not thinking about him. Chupi rustom. Just look at this pictures, you smiling without reason and guess what? Just wait, i am gonna forward this pictures to jijz and tell him about your secret.” She joined their conversation, mischievously.

“You what? Hah. And what if i find you a groom in this wedding? Will that be a deal to keep my little secret?” Her bestie joked.

“That’s not possible.” She replied after a moment of silence, the atmosphere in the happy room transfering to a tensed one, as her tone indicated she wasn’t joking anymore.

“And why is that so?” Her best friend’s sister, afiya challenged, but looking at her blank expression, understanding dawned on her and she replied hurriedly, “Holy crap, you are getting engaged soon, that slipped from my mind totally.”

Since she had someone else in her mind when she had uttered the earlier sentence, she blinked back the tears, until she finally realised who afiya was referring to was not the one who managed to conquer his thoughts even without knowing it. 

“Yeah, exactly.” She announced, more to herself while ignoring the wound in her heart which suffered another attack.

She excused herself, at the beeping of her phone. “Salam, mamma! Watsup?”

“Salam, are you asking me? That’s my question actually, whats up with you that you had called me only twice in the past six days.” 

“My another friend here is engaged, who you know is addicted to her fiancé completely, yet had not talked to her fiancé once this days. Shouldn’t you feel lucky mom?”

“What is it to feel lucky? Mom comes above fiancé. Ok forget that you should have atleast sent me a whatsup message.”

“It’s whatsapp mum.” She shaked her head at the typical desi pronunciation.

“Be it a whatsapp or whatsup all are same. You should have atleast messaged me asking whatsup.”

“Cool. No problem. Your message is on the way.” In the past 18 years of her life, it was for the first time she was alone, far away from her mom. And the worry evident in her voice was enough to remind her that.

“And the message must be cool too. No boring stuff like take care maa and all that. Ok?” Her mum commanded.

“What exactly you want me to type, say me that too.” She smiled back noting her mamma’s instructions.

“How about you tell me, Mammah bear i bought you a whole of lonavala’s caves?”

She literally threw her head back and covering her mouth with another hand as she laughed, and as her gaze fell on the closed glass window in the mirror her heart felt content this time, as her real smile was still alive, sometimes.

“Now i know why i never liked to watch cartoons as a kid.” She retorted.

“Yeah because you knew i was always enough to fulfil that role too in your life.” Her mother chuckled from the other end.

“I am not even saying anything like that.” she replied back immediately, the smile still lingering over her lips.

“Alright beautiful, now keep that smile of your sticked to your lips and call me when ever you get free.”

“And what if i don’t get free to call you at all in the next two days?”

“Then i will call you when i am free to keep you smiling like this.”

“Deal.” She chuckled, and as her other friends entered the room with loud noices she hung up.

_______*_______

She stood at the far end. As she had no appetite left and after making her best friend who was bride herself, comfortably sit on the most beautiful, royal style sofa, she had slipped out of that place, where literally every single person simmed too happy.

“Sana!” She turned on the voice of sara, their another best friend, who had specially come to attain aish’s wedding even when she was expecting a baby within two months.

“Yes.” She said and walked towards her, to help her with so many bags which were in her hands.

“Where are you going?” She asked gazing at the bags, confused.

“Oh no! I am not going anywhere but i am shifting my things from my room to yours. I mean we don’t like our room anymore, so we need to exchange as soon as possible.” She said, kind of ordered and sana can’t help but smile at the pregnant lady’s mood swings.

“Sure. Lemme help you.” She said and they walked upstairs, where she was given a room to stay.

“Can i ask you something?” Sara asked and sana nodded positively while removing the key card from her clutch.

“If you’re ever stuck into a situation where you have to choose between your own heart and your parent’s happiness, what would you choose?”

At the question, the key card from her hands slipped but sara was quick to hold it back from falling.

“What makes you ask me this question, sara?” She knew sara was a straight forward kind of person since childhood.

“Just a thought.” Sara diverted her eyes guiltily.

“Did aish told you anything?” Sana asked, her eyes and voice demanded immediate answer.

“Oh no, please, she didn’t, don’t ask her anything.” Sara panicked.

“I am waiting for your answer sara. You are hiding something.” 

“Last night, while i wasn’t feeling sleepy. I thought of coming to you but i.. as i was about to open the door, though it was a bit opened already. I heard you and aish talking about something. She was telling you that you still love him and in reply you told, there’s no use as he won’t stop you from leaving and you have no choice left but to take a decision in your parent’s favor. This isn’t it, From the time you have come here, you seem sad and lost. Since last few months you sound different on phone calls too, the always happy, smiling, mischievous girl seems lost. Excuse my assumptions if i am wrong but you by any chance are giving up on your happiness for your parent’s sake?”

Sana turned around towards the cupboard, where her clothes were settled in wardrobe, as she wasn’t sure how to respond to that as her eyes got glassy.

“You can get many guys but you have only two parents.” She replied eventually, referring back to nights where she would give her broken heart belief through this answer to the question, why he left.

“So, it’s true you love someone, don’t you?” Sara confirmed.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, because sometimes you have to shut that wounded heart and listen to your logical mind.” 

“Are you really the sana i know? Because you speak like those people who had given up on everything in their life.”

There was a long pause of silence before sana spoke, “I don’t want to talk about this sara, Please.”

And with that she took her clothes from the wardrobe towards bag.

“At least tell me his name, which community he is from? may be we can do something.”

Sara emphasized, not letting the topic slip away, as she was one of those people, who understood sana inside out.

“It’s a lost case.” She declared, with her back to sara,”May be, he too is getting engaged soon!”

Sara found all the rays of hope vanishing as she heard that, and she felt like an air baloon that had just been pierced.

“What? How can he do that? May be he never really loved you?” Sara said, throwing some meaningful words on her face.

“I don’t know. Or may be life happened in between our love story.” She shrugged and walked inside the washroom. 
Locking it from inside, she turned around and her body slid down the washroom’s door, fighting back the tears and the inner demon who would constantly ask her the same questions her best friend had asked her outside. May be, indeed, she was never enough for him, not even worth a try, worth a risk in front of his family.

______*______

As she arrived back to Mumbai, from the hustle and bustle of her best friend’s wedding, the familiar aura of her city made her feel nostalgic. As the sky welcomed her by pouring down water she can’t help but let herself drench in it freely, for her love for the first rain was still same, though everything was changed.
 
Whenever the first rain would hug her with its presence, she couldn’t help but end up thinking about him. As he too was same like that rain, engulfing her in happiness for sometime, and then he disappeared leaving a lingering memory and his cravings in her heart.
As the rain stopped, she took her luggage out of the airport but halted on the spot hearing someone’s voice, “Tariq mamu, you are seriously habibi.”

She felt like a hundred butterflies fluttered on her skin, while a hundred other bees buzzed around her, urging her to believe that he was near. She turned around and their was a kid hugging a young man whose back was to her. 

Tariq was about to turn around, putting her curious thoughts to rest as a familiar feeling weaved in his heart too, but some lady called his name from a far distance and he walked away, instead of turning towards the girl who had been waiting for him all along.

At his retreating back, sana shook her head to clear her earlier misconception. It can’t be him, she thought and strolled in the other direction, towards her brother who had come to pick her up.

And for the second time in their life and the thousanth time in their lives, they were so near yet so far.

______*______

“I am still telling you for the last time, don’t take a wrong decision just for their sake. If you won’t be able to be happy, they would also suffer the burden of regret. Trust me, you never know sana, miracles happen anytime. Don’t lose hope and your faith in your prayers. Instead cling on to them and may be…” Her best friend, aish trailed off, leaving the statement Incomplete. For her life was no more but just a case of may bes.

“I have some work to finish. I will call you later. Bye.” She lied and cut the phone, without waiting for any response.

She wasn’t able to take one simple decision. Her heart was uncontrollably in love with that guy who was busy sorting his life for time being and her mind wasn’t able to find one possible way to unite with the one she loves and not with the one she doesn’t. Indeed, in this worst dilemma, where her promises given to him were on the urge of breaking, she needed his support the most but he had already left her alone to decide for her future herself, but instead the situation had rather broken his many promises, already. 

It was a strange concept, life wasn’t giving them what they wanted nor was it letting them to forget. Between all this chaos, only fate would decide their role in each other’s life.

Should we just break up?

Dear Diary,

Today someone told me not to engross myself with you so much. Woah woah. Calm down. We ain’t breaking up. I am not going away! How will i survive if i stop talking to you too? This year when we were away from one another, i had alot of lessons. Trust me, i had shared a lot of stuff with you indirectly and i still have alot to share. I had enough of lessons that now i realise completely, i don’t fit in with human beings. Come on stop laughing! I heard your giggles. The more loneliness hurts, the more i craved to be with someone i can love. And you know that, this year i found that one person. And not to forget! Even if i try i won’t forget, the starting was usual, i felt like i was being chased, i was told every thing and was given complete attention. But this time if you knew i made one decision at the very beginning. If i get a permanent person or a new lesson, if he too leaves, this would be very last time of opening up, getting close, disclosing my soul. It is all my last time to trust someone, with myself. I know may be it was all my mistake, love messed it up! But still i didn’t expected this many changes to come along. And now i realize it, may be i am just like this and i don’t fit in. People chase me first to know me completely and later when they know who i am, when i am entirely into them, the changes come along. And you and i, we both know, changes are always painful for me to accept. Like i don’t showcase or fake my emmotions! Do i? I don’t, then why do they don’t understand me? Am i that much worthless? I tell them everything, which includes that i am a mess. Yet they tell me to trust them, believe them, they are always available, they won’t leave. And may be they don’t leave, but are they really here now? When i most need it? No. They aren’t! They change, they can’t handle real me, complicated me! Today i had it all again. My heart is too heavy for my soul to bear. I know you must be confused, lemme clear this too. Today i went back, my old habit, trying to find my mistakes, again rereading old convos from day one uptil now. I know! I know! You warned me once not to do that what hurts. But trust me, i needed this pain. This days I almost started feeling numb, didn’t I? I did. It was so painful. Like a sad ending of a book. I could feel my heart bleeding as we moved forward into the conversations, i was losing him too, slowly, leisurely, because of my own self. That devil inside me won’t stop telling me i am a failure. I failed in friendship back then and backed off from every persons life. I shut the doors of my heart close with a thought i won’t open them again. Love was a far away thing i wasn’t ready to trust any new friend. But may be love entered through some broken glass of my heart’s window. And i won’t hide, the best part for my heart was this became much more then just friendship. But heart? It haves its own freaking mind. I gave my all of soul and now there is no me inside me. Its all of him. So less time and so much to take in. But still i don’t regret anything. I love this feeling of love still. But its me who is a mess and can’t be handled by anyone, so that was too obvious to happen, everything that happened, uncontrollable in front of my eyes. Anyways, i guess the door to my heart seems still closed, i just have to repair that window and not let anyone enter it again. Though i don’t have much of a heart now, its stealed, so there’s no fear now, it won’t feel anymore. And trust me! I felt it usual, no excitement, just irritation, when someone new, someone known yet stranger tried to enter. So much of rambling!  Again? Yeah… Anyways I am back here, again after an year, with new wounds, to bleed it out to you. As i am again here, where i began, alone with so many fresh wounds. I know you are also here, just like them, pretending to be here for me. But in reality, you! You just take it all and showcase my feelings in your pages. You can’t take this wounds away and that’s why i feel scared to pen me down in you, this days. But diary, we patched up, i am not betraying you and you too don’t betray me this time by getting lost somewhere. You can see! It’s getting dark in and out here. This secret place i have found, away from home, to feel fresh, but its still no less suffocating. So it’s getting dark in here, as i gaze up, i see the birds getting back to their places. I need to get back home too, as i am also no less then this birds! A love bird though, one day who will fly away to its destination, a permanent home for sure. So I close you too, to make you feel this darkness, which has engulfed me inside 24/7 and its time for the outer to engulf us too. See you soon. May be. I hope to see you someday with some good news, some unending happiness, diary. That’s why, i was away for an year, in search of Happiness. But look what i again have for you, endless pain? Shshh. Shshh. I heard you ok. Don’t shout! I ain’t losing hope still. Never. Ever. If not here, then the here after. Bye bye. Lots of love.

Yours,

Lonely partner.

Dedicated to @nazishwriter

Thanks alot for adoring my messy write ups so much. My mood swinged to a happy one reading my blogs name on your website. This one i wrote somedays before but didn’t had strength to share here. But, today you inspired me to post. I hope you like a bit of it. May be. Hope so. I will share something more soon.

We! Patch Up?

Dear diary, 

Its been almost an year since i last shared something so real with you. Since i wrote something in you. Yes! I still pen everything down in you but in a different way though. I don’t find the purpose in sharing real me with you sometimes. I still feel lost. I am so immature, ain’t I? I lost all of old you back there. How could i forget something so precious before leaving some place i knew i won’t return ever? Until now it must have been thrown in some trash bin or sold out to scraper. But who cares? There is no one in particular who would care to read those scars of me on your pages. Or is there someone i am missing on? may be some stranger is there or i am just thinking too much. Even though i lost a part of me in you, nothing is being missed on, everything is fit in that little shelf of me. I am just rambling again, ain’t I? Over an year! But writing back feels so perfect too. But even sometimes i feel like life is being something i can’t pen it down anymore. Hold on! There is something going on beside me. Oww mom’s talking about something and look where i am lost as always. What kind of a daughter i am? Yet she adores me completely, mostly. Because its she! A perfect mother to the most imperfect daughter. Lucky me. No matter how much i try this days most of the time i doze off to my own crazy world. I have settled in here entirely, you can join in too. Hold on! Hold on! Hold on for a while diary. Lemme listen to mamma first. Ouch that hurts! No not the nib of pen i pointed in my skin but her words, the person she is talking about. You are not getting this right? I catched up with her topic! I don’t know how but its about him. Yes the him, i hope you know him too. Even when you and me, we had a break up, indirectly, the ‘him’ who lays in the pages of you is always directed to the him of my life. My him. Or may be nope. But do you know diary why it hurts? You may be knowing right! Because its not just about him but its about his marriage too. Who i am to fear losing something that’s not mine in the first place? Hadn’t my heart had enough of scars that its still dreaming more to have more of those broken scars? You must be shocked right? Over an year diary and alot of changes. How would we catch up so fast? Slightest thing can pierce my heart into slices now a days. That old girl in you got lost with old you. By the way mamma thinks he must be married by now. She thinks i don’t know him. I am unaware of the person she is talking about, But it hurts to know everything about him and hide him from her, pretending fakeness is really not my thing, you know right? It hurts to just think about something like that now. But still life is all about miracles. Even the breath i am taking in, at this moment is no less then a miracle, Right? Yeah. I heard you diary, again your little whispers. Telling me to hold on, not to give up on the people i love and the people who love me. You were my best friend back then and still again we patch up! Don’t we? We do! Yet again, this time not just patch up but we need to catch up too. Will be back soon diary, to catch you up with my life more. But gotta go right now, mamma’s been calling for a walk. Bye. Luv ya tooo. Don’t betray me this time by getting lost somewhere. Wait for me. Stay safe.

Yours,

Old Partner.