Today someone told me not to engross myself with you so much. Woah woah. Calm down. We ain’t breaking up. I am not going away! How will i survive if i stop talking to you too? This year when we were away from one another, i had alot of lessons. Trust me, i had shared a lot of stuff with you indirectly and i still have alot to share. I had enough of lessons that now i realise completely, i don’t fit in with human beings. Come on stop laughing! I heard your giggles. The more loneliness hurts, the more i craved to be with someone i can love. And you know that, this year i found that one person. And not to forget! Even if i try i won’t forget, the starting was usual, i felt like i was being chased, i was told every thing and was given complete attention. But this time if you knew i made one decision at the very beginning. If i get a permanent person or a new lesson, if he too leaves, this would be very last time of opening up, getting close, disclosing my soul. It is all my last time to trust someone, with myself. I know may be it was all my mistake, love messed it up! But still i didn’t expected this many changes to come along. And now i realize it, may be i am just like this and i don’t fit in. People chase me first to know me completely and later when they know who i am, when i am entirely into them, the changes come along. And you and i, we both know, changes are always painful for me to accept. Like i don’t showcase or fake my emmotions! Do i? I don’t, then why do they don’t understand me? Am i that much worthless? I tell them everything, which includes that i am a mess. Yet they tell me to trust them, believe them, they are always available, they won’t leave. And may be they don’t leave, but are they really here now? When i most need it? No. They aren’t! They change, they can’t handle real me, complicated me! Today i had it all again. My heart is too heavy for my soul to bear. I know you must be confused, lemme clear this too. Today i went back, my old habit, trying to find my mistakes, again rereading old convos from day one uptil now. I know! I know! You warned me once not to do that what hurts. But trust me, i needed this pain. This days I almost started feeling numb, didn’t I? I did. It was so painful. Like a sad ending of a book. I could feel my heart bleeding as we moved forward into the conversations, i was losing him too, slowly, leisurely, because of my own self. That devil inside me won’t stop telling me i am a failure. I failed in friendship back then and backed off from every persons life. I shut the doors of my heart close with a thought i won’t open them again. Love was a far away thing i wasn’t ready to trust any new friend. But may be love entered through some broken glass of my heart’s window. And i won’t hide, the best part for my heart was this became much more then just friendship. But heart? It haves its own freaking mind. I gave my all of soul and now there is no me inside me. Its all of him. So less time and so much to take in. But still i don’t regret anything. I love this feeling of love still. But its me who is a mess and can’t be handled by anyone, so that was too obvious to happen, everything that happened, uncontrollable in front of my eyes. Anyways, i guess the door to my heart seems still closed, i just have to repair that window and not let anyone enter it again. Though i don’t have much of a heart now, its stealed, so there’s no fear now, it won’t feel anymore. And trust me! I felt it usual, no excitement, just irritation, when someone new, someone known yet stranger tried to enter. So much of rambling! Again? Yeah… Anyways I am back here, again after an year, with new wounds, to bleed it out to you. As i am again here, where i began, alone with so many fresh wounds. I know you are also here, just like them, pretending to be here for me. But in reality, you! You just take it all and showcase my feelings in your pages. You can’t take this wounds away and that’s why i feel scared to pen me down in you, this days. But diary, we patched up, i am not betraying you and you too don’t betray me this time by getting lost somewhere. You can see! It’s getting dark in and out here. This secret place i have found, away from home, to feel fresh, but its still no less suffocating. So it’s getting dark in here, as i gaze up, i see the birds getting back to their places. I need to get back home too, as i am also no less then this birds! A love bird though, one day who will fly away to its destination, a permanent home for sure. So I close you too, to make you feel this darkness, which has engulfed me inside 24/7 and its time for the outer to engulf us too. See you soon. May be. I hope to see you someday with some good news, some unending happiness, diary. That’s why, i was away for an year, in search of Happiness. But look what i again have for you, endless pain? Shshh. Shshh. I heard you ok. Don’t shout! I ain’t losing hope still. Never. Ever. If not here, then the here after. Bye bye. Lots of love.
Dedicated to @nazishwriter
Thanks alot for adoring my messy write ups so much. My mood swinged to a happy one reading my blogs name on your website. This one i wrote somedays before but didn’t had strength to share here. But, today you inspired me to post. I hope you like a bit of it. May be. Hope so. I will share something more soon.