It’s father’s day today. All around the world, every child out there, especially daughters are making their daddys feel special by precious gift, cakes and etc. But me? I am out there here, sitting at the edge of our home’s balcony, staring at the deep moonless sky and missing those terrace talks, we once use to share. The difference between those days and today is that i am sitting alone here breathing the different air then those times, with my diary and pen. I often find you asking me what i do with this diary and pen, always and i have no answer but to flash a smile, at you. I know you disrelish my habit of writing and reading novels, completely, but i am addicted.
Coming back to today! I bet you must not know or remember about this special day of yours today. But i do! And that is the reason behind today’s meal having all of your favourite food only on dining. I know even though you didn’t complimented anything, i can see your eyes smile and the happiness you must have felt. But the only thing your daughter fails is at, unable of showing the love and care she haves but hides in her heart.
I know, i have never been a perfect daughter to you nor would i be able to become one. Actually, perfect is a far away thing, i can’t even be something around it. While today when i saw my other friends post their pictures with their fathers, i quite felt incomplete, i didn’t had any with you in past years. Even if i try my hardest, i am unable to create that bond again which we once shared, because of those unforgettable memories. But just because i fail to show, that doesn’t mean i love you less. May be i do love you less then mamma but that’s also clear that i love you more then any other person i love or i will ever love.
I never told you or anyone about this may be. But i always find myself getting lost in those two most adored pictures of my childhood. There, where i was jumping out, crying uncontrollably in mamma’s lap while in another picture, when i was shifted to your lap, i was happy as ever, flashing the most cutest of smiles. Did we really shared such strongest bond. Yes we did shared!
The past year had it all. The scars i had recieved, can’t be quite healed. Between all this chaos all i ever want is to be understood and your precious time. We cannot quite figure it out without being able to talk to each other. I have been left to figure out a lot by myself. And instead of confronting my those demons, you cut me out. I need you when everything falls apart, when up seems down and right seems wrong. But alas, there is a wound between us and which seems can never be healed.
Unfortunately, I am actually different. I am my own. I am not an distension of you, your talent, your faith, your trust, your weaknesses. And you cannot see me as me, cannot accept me as me. And by doing that or more correct, by not doing that, we will never be able to see each other clearly. I will always struggle to be known as a person who i am, truly. A person with her own thoughts, beliefs and Values. Why don’t you ever think what it would be like to sit back with me at late night and just open up to me. You know i crave back to sit there and just listen or be heard. Without preparing yourself to argue against me, or judge me, or make me feel low, or may be just consider what it means for you and me. Do you ever stop to look at me, while i sit there alone in that dark balcony and think? ‘What does she sees when she looks in the dark sky with so much concentration?’ Or ‘Or why does she spends so much time with her books? What does they give her heart?’ Or even ‘What does her heart tells her? I hope it believes in me.’ Do you ever wonder who i am and why i am so?
Trust me, in every phase of my life. I struggle so much with this wound. Though i tried always by being the best. Best at school. Best at college. Best in front of your friends and relatives. The prettiest girl who competed in every contest, the skinniest, the smartest, and the best at all things. So you could be proud of me and see me as the me i exist. And then one day i realized, when i most needed something. I didn’t needed money. Nor did i needed white horse this time, because sooner or later i realized horses were unpredictable, especially the one who carried princes. I needed hug, love and support. I wanted my whole damn family to be as a happy picture in a real life too. I no longer wanted its brokenness to wound my life.
All i ever wanted is you think i am still awesome, though when you know i am wrong. I don’t want you to keep worrying about me, my life every now and then. You are getting older and my wounds are getting healed over. Some, with a lot of scar tissue. And in a society we belong and me being a girl, may be we don’t have more time together. Wounds can be healed back too with a proper care though. I can buy us a band aid but you need to help me apply and heal, too. And then someday, may be or for sure i will make you proud too. I promise.
Most imperfect daughter.