Because she will love! Until her last breath, takes her away…

Spitting out the green water particles from her body, she clutched her stomach tightly. As it hurt so badly. She hadn’t eaten anything in past days. Even water wasn’t getting down her throat. As if her heart had dropped down to her stomach completely and it felt heavy. Her body was getting weaker day by day. This days her skin was more pale then usual. Her eyes seemed lifeless. The most cutest girl of the house, had lost her cuteness. And they will think its a bad eye, unaware of the fact its a failed love. Lying on her bed, She would stare at the white ceiling for hours and they would stare back at her, coldly. 

Darkness was consuming her more day by day. The more she will try to stand up and get back to her normal self, the more her body won’t cooperate and she will fail, undoubtedly. Day by day the people around her were losing her slowly, gradually. As if she could see that too, her life getting from a full of life to a lifeless adventure.

She was never like this. She was a girl full of dreams, hopes and faith. She used to live life to its fullest no matter what. Her smile was something, no one can challenge. No one can take it away. But what did love did to her? What he did to her? What had she ever done to deserve this punishments? Had this world turn so cruel that people just come in life and talk lovey according to their moods and leave? Just come play with someone’s heart and leave when that toy is no more entertaining.

“A beautiful distraction.” That was what someone she loved with her whole soul called her. Yeah! May be, she deserved to be called this much only. Expecting more then this was stupid of her ownself. Didn’t she knew?  What a typical mess she is! How could she expect someone’s love talks to love? How could she expect being loved back? She can’t. 

She knows this all already. But what about that naive heart? How to make it understand? How to tell it, you can’t be loved? Just say me how? Love is a far away thing, how to tell it they don’t want to stay in your life? How to just..? Her fingers halt and her pen drops. Her head fells on her study. Her body slowly giving up again. Tears streaming down and making the pages of her diary wet. Her heart bleeding more then ever. Each passing minute slow as an hour. Her soul lifeless, yet felt far away from end. How to survive was a question popping in her mind? Living was a far away thing, she had no idea of just surviving life. Every breath she took was breathless. All those memories, bitter-sweet, those words said, everything was eating her up. Her heart wasn’t ready to believe they were all false. Her heart was bound to just believe one thing, out of the blue, apart the odds, he will come and save her from drowning. A hug and a ‘Don’t leave, stay’ would heal her back completely all over again. She will get her life back. 

One day, may be, or for sure, she will see this day come true, her heart always dreams of. Every human can leave her side, betray her heart. But she had asked about their bond to unite from the king of kings. And that king of kings is so merciful. He testes the ones he loves, he mends them, but won’t let them break. He knows what exactly she needs. Its just she had to put back her all strength and get up all over again with lots of hope and faith just keep going on, passing this thorny way to reach the merciful, beautiful, blessed destination. She can’t give up, she ain’t giving up, not now, not ever, no matter what.

~Prayers needed:)

The boy she loves, The woman she feels!

To you,

Yes! The ones she loves,

Where ever you are,

Just come,

Please come closer,

Just a hug or a little love,

Just a bit of your gentleness or care,

She won’t ask you for materialism,

She won’t ask you for more,

Just a bit of your love,

A bit of your strength,

Because she is scared,

She is so scared and can’t fight alone.

That shattering moment when you completely curl up like a ball in your bed. Your whole body starts behaving insane and shivers involuntarily. Everything just slipping, getting out of control, inside and outside. Those brown eyes she is blessed with, which are adored alot by the people around her, as if they get into their stubborn self, releasing the chemical liquid out, unstoppably. She covers her mouth harshly, curling up more even if it was possible, she tries her best to stop the shaky sob and to not make any noise, but fails undoubtedly. 

As the moon gets more brighter and the night gets deeper, half of the people are fast asleep, and half among the other half must be making love, and then the remaining half from the last half were travelling or doing what not, and then there were those left. May be, curled up in their bed, tears streaming down their face, burning their soul, setting it on fire.

As the darkness of night grew deeper, the pain grew abyssal. Taking into a sharp breath she felt more breathless and unknowingly a sob escaped her lips. She was scared. Yes! Scared. No! Not scared for being caught, crying. But scared about the stranger who pretends to be known. Scared about to returning through the lone road alone after walking on it with someone. Scared about the future more then present or past. Scared of opening your soul and being left. Scared of them leaving when you need them the most. And most of all scared of her own sick mother’s words,”I don’t ask for a long life but i definately ask life until i see you married with someone you can feel loved.” Scared of losing her too or hurting her too with her messed up soul.

Its not easy to get up all over again after falling again and again, and every time you stand up, life makes you fall back, everytime it gets more tougher. It makes you strong only from the outside, the people around see you as the happiest person alive. But inside the chaos increases. You realize yourself getting weaker day by day. 

All she wants in such dreadful nights is someone who straightens and strengthens her up. Someone who hugs her tightly to himself, letting his shirt soak completely by her tears, rubbing her back, letting her be until she feels a bit better. Someone who can steal her all fear away with some soothing words. But lets not forget her story of a beautiful face, messy soul. People who get to face her real side always end up getting hurt because of her. She had a nerve to irritate someone and make them to leave her. But trust me when i say, that’s how she is, she will cry when you hurt her but she will cry even more when she hurts you. She curses herself every time she is rude with the people whom she loves or the ones who love her. Life is slowly turning into a complicated scary nightmare, All she needs at this time is someone who steals away all her fears, insecurities without letting her feel any low. Someone who if can’t take her away from the cruelties of world, but stays with her, fights against them with her.

Just like a long winter night, who drowns out of the darkness ever so slowly, her tears dry up too. And when her swallowed eyelids become heavier and can be no longer kept open, she feels someone.

To you too,

Where ever you are,

Who ever you are,

She never saw you,

She never met you,

Yet she felt you always.

Thankyou so much,

For making her feel your presence,

For being there for her every night,

Everytime she was falling apart,

All the time she missed you,

Those small gifts she sends you,

That’s all she can present, 

To a beautiful soul like you.

If she told this to anyone, no doubt this world will call her abnormal. But every night after her tears would dry, her eyes won’t feel alive anymore, that time she would feel someone. Who slowly, holds her shaking hand in this dark nights and takes her out of the fake realities of this bitter world. Just like a mother would keep her baby to sleep, she too feels a soft hand rubbing the finger print marks on her cold red face and then the hand moving smoothly in her hairs. She touched the finger print marks on her bruised shoulder too, the punishment she got for telling a no for her life’s decision was too much. Call her insane but she could feel someone’s, her beautiful soul, ever since she started loving her too, she started feeling her too. She could feel someone beside her always when she most needed someone. Someone calming her down and getting her back to sleep, taking her away to a fearless fairy land, where noone could torture her mentally or physically, giving her strength, making her strong enough for another challenging day.

“A real woman don’t needs to keep a baby in her womb for nine months to shower her love, no doubt if she keeps she will love the most, but some moms are beautiful souls too, they have that selfless power to shower their love to anyone who needs them.”

4 A.m. thoughts,

Drowsy eyes,

Abandoned soul,

Isolated heart,

Escaping life.

Real Friends, Real Talk.

“It’s hurting. It’s hurting so much, you know. But now that’s enough. I am not going to let anything hurt me. I will change, Change for good, change for my own happiness.” She sighed.

“Really, It’s hurting you?  So you will change? But you know what, You can’t just change. No matter what.” He emphasized, ” Changing, That’s what people do now a days all the time. To run away from your real self is people call a change.”

“Do you know? My doc says that just because i feel too much and i am sensitive. I will be too careful about everyone else, it will make me weak. Not everyone deserves to be cared for. And the way i get careless about myself will harm me only. Even if i try i can’t keep everyone happy and so i mess up. Actually i messed up, messed up so badly.” She covered her face with her hands. She hated herself more by each passing moment, As she felt, directly or indirectly she was the reason behind all that happened in past days.

“You shouldn’t hate yourself. You are not worth your hate, but love. The love you give to others. If you can forgive someone before they say sorry, can’t you forgive your own self too?” He questioned, removing her hands from her face and took her into his arms. A hug, was all she wanted between all this chaos.
 
“It’s killing but I just have to let go.” Her voice muffled.

“You know if you are losing alot of things. Then not to forget you were the one who was getting hurt from the start, but you were holding on to this because the little little happiness you noticed were worth the pain. For once you can lie to everyone and show you don’t care. But are you really so weak to let just go. Did you hold to this pain so tightly, just to let this go? The more you will try to show you don’t care, the more you will care. You have to accept the fact that even when everyone says, you can’t, you know that and even i know you, you are strong enough to stand up all over again although if your heart is being bruised. Your love is your strength sweetheart, not your weakness. And even if you don’t get anything in return here, wait for the hereafter.” Heexplained to her in her own language, language of love.

This time she understood that right. He wasn’t just speaking, he was speaking her heart too. She wiped her tears crudely and smiled. She had no idea until when those tears wouldn’t appear back, but one thing she was sure that even if they returned she would be strong enough to push them away and be strong everytime. She would give her love until she would have nothing left. She will give her love, care, trust even if she gets nothing in return.

Friends like this are the mirror of our soul. When we can’t understand what’s really happening and get off the track. When the world would again and again tell us only things like to let go,lessons, move on and blah. The things which our naive heart couldn’t understand or accept. This doesn’t helps us but increases the chaos inside ourself more and we become restless. At that time, friends like this can calm us down because they can see the depth of love inside our soul, which sometimes we ourself fail to see. And she is back! Standing up all over again, apart the bleeding scars on her heart.
 

At last my heart whispered, ‘Enough is Enough!’

Taking a long deep breath, i whispered to myself,’Patience dear heart patience, don’t lose hope’ Even the world is temporary and so is the life. Live once for the creator instead of creation. Live for here after, instead of this world. And then see the messy things around you changing to a beauty of nature. For once stop living for the one whom you love and live for the once who love you, who appreciate your presence, your thoughts, your feelings and most importantly appreciate you, completely. Not according to their moods. Always remember, the one who can be directly or indirectly a reason behind your situation and still not take your situations seriously and can ignore your presence completely, can leave you and go someday without any bothering to them. And that’s a fear we all shiver from when we fall in love with someone. And when you know your first love didn’t turned to be something you always dreamt of, somewhere you start trying to delete the word love from your life. That’s the huge mistake we make, we fall deeply, so deeply that we didn’t even care about our self respect. But life haves much more to offer then just wait for someone, who won’t even care to check on you whether you are doing good or not, if you had lunch or not. I guess, No one can be worth missing your meals. 

For a brief second i closed my eyes and thought deeply, practically if i can love the one who don’t loves me beyond limits i can surely love the one who loves me more then that. Or may be this is not the perfect timing for love in my life. If i am to get someone, If someone is meant to mine they will realize and come to me. No matter what, i just can’t say what time it would be again, perfect or again something like this. But right now, its time to let go of everything. No i don’t have to remove my feelings, i know that i can’t do that, not now not ever. That’s a huge part of my heart and one can possibly not remove their own heart out of their chest. But i can surely wait for a miracle to happen. May be it could be my hope which can make me win my first love or may be the prayers of my dear ones making me to fall in love for the second time someday. But for now, out of loneliness or a heart break you can’t go in someone’s life and make them fall in love with you when you have no intention to love anyone back. You shouldn’t open your beautiful side to anyone and let the outer cold demon stay and not trust love, unless you don’t feel like you have let go of your first love completely. At some point one of us have to break this chain and understand one simple thing that if we can’t heal, we feel immense pain then someone else also haves a heart. They can have a more fragile heart, and breaking someone else’s heart we can’t hope to heal our own. We can wait for the miracle to happen, they happen everyday. Or may be just spend the life alone, its not that bad thing but atleast what lesson i learnt is that never get close to someone if one of you is not ready for huge commitments like love and not over their first love. The blame of killing a soul is something which will bother me entire my life, it could me mine or someone’s else.

Death isn’t something you will ask for and get it. We never know it can be tomorrow, day after tomorrow or may be after ten or twenty years. We actually never know. And if aren’t strong enough to kill our own self we have to Learn the fact we have to live. Live as everyday itself is bringing us closer to it and life is too short when we live happily and can become so long if we hold to pain. Everything can last forever but that’s us who can decide happiness or sadness. Sadness will come try to overcome but be grateful and it will leave itself. As i said before this world is temporary but the here after is permanent, if we don’t get some things here may be it could be love or people, we can hope to get them there. Hope reminds of one thing, Just hope, don’t expect or confuse this both things. It will shatter your world and not everyone is strong enough and an artist to join hearts. Loneliness can be irritating at times but better then making love triangles and letting the chain go on to destroy lifes.
Help others. See what they are going through.  Just Dont see the bright side of someone’s world and then you will see and realize, you have a lot to be grateful. The fear in your heart won’t just die in a second, it will take time to fade. But always believe that what’s coming is better then what’s gone or what’s going will come back at the right time. Maybe. Hopefully. Everyone of us deserves to be more then someone’s concurrent damage. Let go of it and it would become more worthy, to have once more what was yours to claim to be yours all along. An open heart that is no longer trapped in the ghosts of past. 

The less you are loved, the more you love someone.

The day you fall in love with someone so perfect,  everything around you changes. Its the world’s best feeling honestly. Your own self comes later, but they’re your first thought in everything. Your first thought when you wake up. When you are damn busy with super work load even at that time, they are all you think about. They are your smile when you are tired.

Their story isn’t at all lovey dovey. Its totally complicated. But the love is unconditional. She is a writer and he too is. From the day they met, all she wrote is about him. He became her words and the pages were her boundless imaginations. 

It was a long winter night. And when you are with someone you love, winter nights are the most beautiful nights. They were sitting in their room’s balcony,  her head on his shoulder, hand in hand, a perfect moment. She was feeling the happiest person alive. Her eyes were twinkling with love, because she was with him, witnessing the most beautiful sight she always wanted to. Adoring him and full moon with twinkling stars in the middle of night, all together was what she always wanted. While he, He was smiling, reading those crazy things she wrote about him from the day they met. Her diary was all about only one person. Him.
 ​
“Why do you never write about me?” She asked out of the blue, while he was reading.

“You write about me?” He looked at her and asked,  mischievously. 

“Yes Ofcourse, I write about you.” She said back, in a matter-of-fact tone and walked away, inside the room, angrily. 

He smiled Sadly, Shaking his head. He too stood up and followed her. He found her standing to the other side of room, with her back towards him. Her anger on fleek. 

“I never write about the things I already have. I write about the things I never had, or will never have. You know how we, writers, usually do that.” He said, leaning on the cupboard’s door, beside her.

She turned around and looked at him, Eyebrows Raised, As if he dared to say something. 

“I Never write about the things I’ll make sure to keep forever.” He continued and took slow step towards her. 

“And you, you are mine, i will make sure to keep you mine, i will make sure not to lose you so i would never see the day that my heart needs to bleed the pain into words from not having you in my life”

He cupped her face in his hands and said, “I will never write about you. You are mine. Forever.”

That was more then enough for her,  to embrace him in a bone crashing hug, beaming the room with the most beautiful smiles of two love birds. And then from that day, she don’t wishes to be written about anymore, but to called and be only his for forever is all she wants. 

~Together they shine. 

Hope, Pray And Smile!

You must always wonder, Being a priority, must be the most beautiful feeling. To be someone’s everything, their world. To get all the love and care. But sometimes you realise that being a priority is far away but you can’t even be just a choice. Always trying to be a priority we miss the value of a choice too. But only when you can’t even become a choice, just a choice, You understand some so different feelings in life. Your heart don’t wants to be a priority, Nope! It just wants to be a choice, a option and then you know once it will become atleast a choice, you would have a single chance at least. 

Finally the day comes. You have been waiting for all along. The day you realise for the first time that someone isn’t only someone to you. They have turned to your own whole world. You start noting down every detail about them. There every action takes your breath away. You smile for no reason.You start thinking, caring and everything about them whole day. Your nightmares turn to beautiful dreams when you have them there.  Your hands get cold with nervousness, when your phone rings or buzzes with their name. You start feeling those crazy dance of butterflies by just listening to their voice, those feelings become reality that you have only read in novels. You get a natural blushy smile by their simple words. You find yourself turning to love sick stalker, who keeps checking their pictures, and keeps adoring every feature about their face. Black becomes your most favourite eye colour, and green eyes no longer makes you go crazy and then in a crowded place you start searching for that pair of black eyes, everywhere you go. Your smile fades away automatically when you feel the pain behind a fake smile in any of their picture. You too get hurt if someone hurts them. Your blood boils when you realise they harm themselves. You feel like burning away all the cigarettes so none remains to harm them. You cry because you can see anything but not pain in their life. You feel angery when they can’t see themselves, what a beautiful soul they really are. You want to be there for them not because you can, but because you want to, you need to. They become your first priority. Your first love.  

But how could you possibly feel when you realise you have fallen in love with someone who can never fall for you? When you yourself know that they deserve much more better then you? How would you feel when you have just felt the most amazing feeling of love but at the same time your heart breaks when you realise you are not worth them? And that’s what she feels.

But she is proud of her heart today. For falling for the most beautiful soul. He is the most handsome guy she could ever see, as his heart is so clean, the glow, charm he haves is completely natural. His innocent smile is something, she could die for. He is mature enough yet just like a lost child. She wishes to be his light in darkness. 

She isn’t expecting anything in return. She don’t wants to. She can’t because she can’t see him getting hurt because of her. Yet her heart is craving, craving for his love. She craves for his single glance filled with love. But she knows he wouldn’t.  He can’t. He could never love someone like her. And that’s the worst feeling. But that’s all it is. You can’t force someone to feel for you, the way you feel for them. And it’s ok. Because when you love someone so deeply, you let them be free. You just want their happiness. That’s all what really matters more. 

May be she would have him besides her always. He would be there for her always. But may be not in the way her heart craves for him to be. May be he would be there for someone else in that way and nothing hurts her more then feeling this pain. Its like getting a big thorn stucked in the centre of your heart’s flesh. He too could see it, may be he could feel it too, the thorn in her heart which is hurting her like hell. But he can’t remove it himself. He just can’t. Even when he wants to , he could not, she have to face this all alone, have to remove that thorn herself with a smile on her face. 

Her emmotions are something you would never understand. She isn’t expecting anything from him. Because it could possibly hurt him. And to see him hurt because of her is something she wishes to never see. Yet she sure will expect to have him from the king of kings. Because her lord surely knows, he surely understands her pain. He surely sees every painful tears her eyes are bleeding. But may be its again a test. He is testing her. And this too will pass. He knows she could only pretend to be strong, but in reality she is weak like a premature baby. His mercy can make them, meant to be and unite them in the most beautiful of ways by thier lord. And that bond  would be fearless. It would be unbreakable for Forever and Ever. But until then, sabr(Patience) is the only cure which can give her a bleaming smile replacing painful tears. 

~As a writer had fallen in love, he would be forever alive in many hearts♥

First Fall, First Love!

Love means falling and she was afraid of heights until she met him. Everything about love was in control and she use to think she won’t fall ever. She knew it wouldn’t be easy, she knew he can never ever love her, But still he was someone for whom she fell for. A beautiful soul he is, she could never deserve. Amidst the pain, the world gives him, he was so selfless.  

She had never seen him in reality, they never even ever met, but she wishes one morning life wakes her up with him sleeping peacefully besides her. But some wishes can only be wishes. Love had been always a beautiful thought for her but it was frightening too. She never felt anything like that, like she felt for him.Fears automatically faded. Pain becomes bearable.  

She wants to be there to hold him, In every dark night he spends alone. A selfish girl she is would have never cared of someone without expecting anything back in return. But for him? She want to be his, only his without getting anything back in return from him. She wants to be someone whom he can count on when he needs anything. She want to be like his mother whom he had lost. She knows she can’t be exactly like her. She could never be. But she want to give him the love care she used to give. She want to be that lap he can rest on without restriction. She want to be all ears to him, to listen his every pain and happiness, anything and everything. 

But she knows he deserves much more better then her. Even in her wildest dreams she can’t expect same feelings from him. And honestly she don’t wants anything from him. She is happy even with this incomplete feelings. She knows it’s not going to be easy. Nope it will get tough when you already know someone you have fallen for can’t be there to catch you, yet you fall for them only. And the imaginations of loving and not having them in life I always penned down, she is actually realising this pain right now. But some pains are beautiful when you care for them more then your self.  And she don’t want to become a reason he could possibly get hurt because off. Never ever. She knows he is better without her. May be he could be more happy. And his happiness is most important thing.  Nothing else matters. Not even her own heart.

Sometimes we take some decisions and think that they are wrong. Nothing is wrong, everything happens for a reason. May be they have crossed paths because they are meant to be. May be their similarities are not just coincidences. May be they are United to reunite for forever. May be they are two odds which can be even together. May be they are someone who could become each other’s shield in this fucked up world. May be it needs to be work out. May be on times it would hurt to be in each others life But it would hurt more to let go off. Yet sometimes letting go is the only choice you are left with.